Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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