I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
