He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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