fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize