I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i think my cat just said my name.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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