Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
where does the pee come out of this thing
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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