Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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