i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
