Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
