For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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