I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
