I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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