I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
