he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
