Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
