I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
