So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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