Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
