He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
