I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
