I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
