she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize