Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you made out with another girl for some wings
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
