woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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