Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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