He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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