Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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