He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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