The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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