When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
