I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
