he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
