Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
