Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
