oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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