tequila makes me forget i have legs
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
