I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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