Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
