My friends, they love my intelligence
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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