All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
