im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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