I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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