i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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