Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
