i just wanna soil my oats bro
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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