Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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