You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
