I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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