His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just invented taco cereal.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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