i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
