I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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