i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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