my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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