I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
