He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize