the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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