The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
